Captain’s Log, April 2, 2020
Today is 14 days into Governor Newsom’s Stay-At-Home order, aka, imprisonment. Yesterday, our home county hit a new daily high of known coronavirus infections: 102. For us medical putzes, we have no idea whether this just meant more people were finally tested, there was a delay in reported results, or bend over and kiss your ass goodbye. I am leaning towards door number 3.
I may be a medical putz, but I am mastering the art of putzing around.
Today, I foraged for food again. I have decided that until this thing goes away or kills me, I am going to call my foraging, excursions. Finding food will be the closest I will come to past excursions that usually involved a plane or ship, fruity adult beverages, lost luggage, another memorability t-shirt*, weight gain, more credit card debt and some Tommy Bahama attire. I may don some Tommy wear when the weather warms and fantasize about the places I have been and the reasons for the weight gains. They look particularly stylish with blue gloves and face masks.
The math nerd part of me notes that my county’s total-to-date number of 656 infections is but .0002% of its population. Mathematically speaking, I will die of a natural cause, old age, before it reaches me. Then again, a waft of air could carry a droplet into the parking lot of the Vons store and drop it in my eye. One blink and I am toast. That Ten Commandments’ creeping slime image continues to haunt. It is of some comfort to hear that this virus does not waft through the air like the feather at the end of Forest Gump.
Today, I scored 95% of my list in two stops. Vons was out of garlic and Tide Ultra. Vons has been out of flour the past three excursions. I started a new list.
What’s up with the garlic — eating it helps maintain the six-feet spacing? Yes, I know, consumption of raw garlic supposedly builds immunities. That only makes sense because no one would want to come within six feet of you. I just want to cook with it. I use it, a lot — so much so that if it does aid in the development of immunity, the coronavirus would make a U-turn if it came near me. Until order is restored I will compromise with the jarred minced or chopped garlic. Doing so, remands me to cook’s jail — jarred garlic? Can’t be worse than coronavirus imprisonment.
Just to add some pizazz to my life, I took a different route home and changed hats for my morning walk. So far I have managed to avoid adding pizza to my life.
I learned that gun sales are going through the roof. Apparently people think they can shoot the virus, or they need to protect the TP they hoarded, or worse, a close family member is not long for this world. Domestic violence cases are rising. One word — men.
Our son works at Target. Today he scored some TP. Pipe down, we are not hoarding. We have a two-week supply.
I now keep three comfort foods in stock, ice cream, sourdough bread and popcorn. Maybe I should add Southern Comfort to my liquor stash, if for no other reason than as an homage to Janis Joplin, one of the few pop star concerts I saw in person — incredible live performer — but lived too close to the edge.
My bride now alternates between a vodka tonic, Cosmopolitan or a banana/strawberry/blueberry daiquiri — not all in the same night. That could change.
To date, I have not gained any weight.
Speaking of the weight:
Take a load off, Fanny
Take a load for free
Take a load off, Fanny
And (and) (and) you put the load right on me.
Oops, wrong meme. But, as we know all to well, the weight will go on Fanny’s fanny, and mine as well.
What I began to say — I am being more adventurous in the kitchen at dinnertime:
Breaded Pork Tenderloin Sandwiches
Mexican Cheeseburger Soup
Chicken Mole Enchiladas
Chinese Vegetable Stir Fry
Fajitas with beef/chicken/pork
Fried Chicken (thigh) Sandwiches
Korean Fried Chicken
Kung Pao Chicken
Meatball Mozzarella Sticks
Taco Salad with Hamburger
Those menacing Mexicans have invaded our food system. Pretty soon they’ll be asking to pick our crops, clean our houses, mow our lawns, and care for our children — all in a devious effort to become citizens and vote. The nerve. I am down with that as long as they keep soldiering on as soldiers, food purveyors, doctors, nurses and front-line virus warriors — and give me a really special mole recipe that won’t scorch my food canal.
Most of the time the dinner accompaniment is an arugula, romaine, spinach or spring mix salad. We are still shunning desserts — well, except for that ice cream part, but only in small doses. I am guessing you are not buying that.
There could be worse states to live in than California during this pandemic. We do have our dense urban areas, but less so than New York City. Our governor, Gavin Newsom, gets it right more often than not. He was the first to order a stay-at-home policy in March 19th. He created the Health Corps and as of this date, 79,000 retired medical professionals stepped up. Today, he created a task force to increase testing fivefold, while admitting he takes responsibility for the testing-to-date not being adequate. Given the “I give myself a 10” by our stable genius, it is refreshing for leader to take some responsibility.
Cue the primal screaming.
*Anyone rummaging through my closet would have a pretty good travel guide to where I had sojourned, just by looking at the t-shirts — those and the refrigerator magnets.